


Demon with an angel's name

by ABlueLightInTheDark



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, I hate myself and you should all hate me for this, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, This is pure angst seriously don't read this, this is the worst thing ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 05:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8315581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABlueLightInTheDark/pseuds/ABlueLightInTheDark
Summary: Raphael feels empty most of the time.Empty and tired , he wants to lie down and sleep and never wake up again and then he remembers-He remembers that that’s death and what he’s craving is death, but he never get’s what he wants.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry? Don't read this if you want to live? This is pure angst and if that triggers you DO NOT READ I'M SORRY!!!

**I.**

“You’re a monster.“ He says.

He’s right.  
Raphael is a monster, he’s rotten and dirty and…

“I’m a monster.“ He says.

He’s wrong.  
Simon isn’t a monster, he’s pure and beautiful, he’s _an_ angel not a monster, he’s… he’s-

He is everything Raphael wants to be.

**II.**

“I hate you.“

Raphael nearly laughs.  
It’s nothing he hasn’t heard before, actually…  
Actually he hears it every day and every night and every second he’s - well, not living, but… _being_ , because his mind is screaming it like a mantra gone wrong and all Raphael ever hears is 

“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you“ 

and he does, oh god, he really does, he has never hated anyone as much as he hates himself, not his sire, not Camille, not anyone.

He hates himself and it’s only right if Simon does, too.

**III.**

Raphael feels empty most of the time.  
Empty and tired , he wants to lie down and sleep and never wake up again and then he remembers-  
He remembers that that’s death and what he’s craving is death, but he never get’s what he wants.  
He doesn’t deserve it, why would he? He’s a demon, a spawn from hell, a _monster_.

A demon with the name of an angel and he doesn’t deserves his name either, he deserves-

Raphael deserves nothing and he knows it. 

**IV.**

Simon tries hard and Raphael feels… a little less empty?

He’s not exactly sure what he feels, but he does feel something and it’s not bad, it’s…warm? 

When was the last time Raphael felt warm?

Warmth feels good or at least it did, a long, long time ago and now warmth means death, death - everything means death nowadays and still. 

Raphael is death so close, but he’s still out of reach and it feels like a long-distance relationship and he craves, he craves but he can’t-

He lets Simon’s warmth burn him and it hurts and Raphael-  
Raphael is glad it does.

**V.**

Raphael doesn’t want to hurt anymore. 

Now that Simon is there he feels less hurt and more… no, not love. It’s not love, it’s never love, how could it be love, _no_ _one_ loves Raphael. 

But with Simon there’s more light and less darkness and Raphael grows attached, he knows he shouldn’t, but he _does_ and he knows it will end bad - like it always does.

Raphael knows he doesn’t deserve a happy ending, he knows he’ll never get a happy ending and before he met Simon he accepted that fact but now… now he wishes he could have a happy ending, even though he doesn’t deserve it. 

He’s being selfish and selfishness is a sin.  
Raphael is already a demon though, so what is one more sin added to all the others he has collected in the past?

Raphael wants a happy ending, he _wants_ it and Simon is the key, _Simon_ is his happy ending and he can’t leave Raphael, he’s not allowed to leave Raphael, because Simon is Raphael’s only chance to get a happy ending (he doesn’t deserve) and Raphael wants to hold him, wants to make him stay and Simon… Simon- 

Simon’s gone, Simon left him- no. Worse. Simon _betrayed_ him and Raphael feels empty again and his brain is whispering evil thoughts, tells him how it’s better like this, how he doesn’t deserve Simon anyway and that Simon’s better off without him. 

Tells him now that Simon’s gone he needs another warmth and Raphael wants the sun to end this coldness inside him, but he can’t- he can’t- 

Raphael never get’s what he craves. 

He doesn’t get love and he doesn’t get death and he craves both more than anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated and again, i'm very sorry. 
> 
> Shout at me on tumblr @abluelightinthedark


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